Unrealistic expectations lead to marital discord. Here are ways to mend it, says Dr Nisha Khanna.
1)Partner will never fight: Fights are entirely normal in all relationships. In intimate relationship, couple mostly fights over money, sex, parenting, family, quality time, chores, romance etc. Couples should talk about the disagreements at the level of discussions to resolve and should not escalate the fights. During fights a person should be careful about choice of words as they can only be forgiven not forgotten.
2) Partner will make me happy forever: It’s extremely noxious for a person as well relationship if a person will only rely on a partner to feel happy. To build a healthy stable relationship, couple should maintain some degree of independence like interest, hobbies, and friends. A person should learn to spend time with others and hobbies, apart from the partner.
3) Partner should be together always: Spending too much time with your partner or too little is a sign of unhealthy relationship. Relationship is a part of life not a whole a life. Every person should have some “me time”. Having time alone to recharge is healthy in a relationship. A mix of time with friends and family, time together as a couple, and separate time for each partner adds to quality relationship.
4) My partner will read my mind: Sometimes partner does not respond the way you need them to, then assumptions lead to feeling annoyed and hurt. A person should voice out the expectations clearly and also remember no person can meet all your expectations. Person should communicate well and often to the partner and do active listening too.
5) I’m always right in relationship: The need to be right always is a form of violence. You should acknowledge that changing your opinion or allowing someone else to prove you wrong, doesn’t make you any less. Opposition always exists so person should readily accept that there are lots of people with different opinions that will never change. A person should prioritize kindness and compassion over feeling right.
6) I don’t need the world, need only partner: Couple feels that they don’t require anyone to be happy except partner. One should not be so impractical and start thinking that he or she should be the only priority and dislike when partner spends time with family and friends. We all need people around us who can offer support that partner can’t.
7) Relationship will remain same always: Change is law of nature and it is inevitable. People grow and change over time as priorities in life changes. Initially person shows and gives the best and more time in the relationship; later once comfortable get back to the normal routine.
8) Comparing partner with others: Nobody is perfect. Every person has some flaws and is different from the other so you can’t compare your partner with others. Comparisons always hurt. People show their love in different ways. Before comparing, a person should always keep in mind that looks can be deceptive. People may show us complete contentment but may hide their fights behind closed doors.
9) Partner will never hurt: Some people expect that partners won’t criticize them. Person wishes that my partner will like everything in me and will not notice anyone else. Partner will be a great lover or romantic but in reality exactly opposite. The real love is when you love the person in spite of imperfections. Person should learn how to let it go instead of holding onto things to live happily in relationship.
10) Partner will be soul mate: Soul mate is someone with whom a person can relate to, who you care for and want the best for, and they feel the same for person. Person may not necessarily have a romantic interest, but do have a deep connection that is going to stay with for life. One of the best friends can be soul mate and person confides all of the deepest secrets to them.
11) Partner will be a problem solver: People think that partner is a person to share problems with. People think partner will help them to get out of their loneliness and depressive feelings but reality is that the partner may not be able to clear up or fix your emotional baggage all the time.
12) Partner should change: In relationships, you can’t expect someone to change especially if they don’t want to change. Person can’t force others to behave differently if they disagree but if a person changes the way to say or do, it can encourage and inspire someone to change.
Dr. Nisha Khanna is a Psychologist, Relationship Counselor and certified EQ coach. Her site is www.drnishakhanna.com